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Hey, girl, hey
Happy Sunday ... I'll a little late ... but pull up a chair.
There’s a pot on the stove and it’s been simmering all week around one question: how much of what you’re carrying was ever actually yours?
My auntie had an answer before I had the question. She used to say, and forgive her, but she meant it, “F** ‘em and feed ‘em fish and beans.”
As a girl I laughed because it sounded outrageous. As a grown woman who has loved hard and worn herself out doing it, I understand now that it was never about being rude. It was about letting people choose ...and it was about letting me stop paying for their choices with my own peace.
So this is a boundaries issue. But the warm kind. We’ll name the load, and then we’ll put it down together.
chit chat (as Aunt T used to say), Bea
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The spice
My Auntie Used to Say, “F* ‘Em and Feed ‘Em Fish and Beans.”
As Black women, so many of us were taught that love looks like carrying. We become the fixer, the peacemaker, the responsible one ... the one who sees everybody’s potential and works overtime trying to drag them toward it. Helping is beautiful. Rescuing is exhausting. There is a difference, and most of us learned it the hard way.
Here’s the reframe I keep coming back to: healing isn’t convincing people to choose differently. Healing is recognizing where my responsibility ends and someone else’s begins. I can offer truth. I can offer love. I can offer support, but I cannot choose for another grown person ... and every time I try, I’m the one who goes hungry.
If someone is perfectly content with fish and beans? Let them BEA. I’ll spend my energy tending my own garden.
Choosing yourself isn’t selfish. It’s alignment.
Sit with this:Who, or what, have you been trying to change that may simply be asking you to let go?
Read F*'Em and Feed 'Em Fish and Beans
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What’s in the Pot
Three reads for the week ... one to name the load, two to help you set it down.
The system handed you the load — VITA“The Belonging Gap: Why Black Women Are the ‘Emotional Infrastructure’ of Modern Leadership”
Read →
This is my auntie’s lesson wearing a work lanyard. It names the invisible labor, the constant self-monitoring, reading every room, managing everybody’s comfort, that Black women perform in leadership and almost never get credited for. Proof the “fixer” role isn’t a personality trait you were born with. It’s an assignment. And assignments can be declined.
Now pick something back up — Camille Styles
“My Self-Care Is My Joy”: 5 Black Women Share the Rituals That Keep Them Whole
No spa fantasy here. Just small, real, do-it-tonight rituals that keep five Black women showing up as their fullest selves. After you set the load down, this is what you pick up instead. Your garden. Your hands.
Read →
And don’t do it alone — Miami Times
“How Sister Circles Help Black Women Thrive”
Boundaries aren’t always a wall you stand behind by yourself. Sometimes the healthiest one is a circle you let all the way in. Sister circles — gatherings built on trust, shared story, and collective care — are where we get to put the load down together, be seen, and rebuild. That’s the sisterhood half of the promise, in one word: circle.
Read →
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Put her on your radar
Tricia Hersey — the “Nap Bishop,” founder of The Nap Ministry
She turned “Rest Is Resistance” into a whole framework — rest as a spiritual practice and a flat refusal of a culture that runs on our exhaustion. This past February she gave the MLK Commemorative Lecture at Cornell and told the room, “Capitalism wants us to be a machine, but we are not machines.” My auntie said tend your own garden. Tricia built a ministry out of the nap that lets you.
Get to know her →
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GET Curious
Where in your life are you still holding the fork for someone who already decided what they want to eat ... and what would open up in you if you finally set it down?
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From my kitchen
EXHALE — pause, reflect, exhale
You’ve spent this whole issue deciding what’s yours to hold and what isn’t. This is where you set the rest down.
EXHALE is my guided reflection to help you pause, get clear on what’s out of alignment, and see the patterns quietly shaping your choices. A few minutes, and you leave with language for what’s been hard to name ... and a clearer next step.
Begin the Exhale →
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On The Calendar
Women of Color Expo — Charlotte Saturday, September 12, 2026 · 10a–5p
The sister circle, but citywide. The Expo returns bigger this year ... panels and workshops, live music, and a room full of women-of-color small-business owners to spend your dollars with. A way to greet Black Charlotte in the work and the joy, not just the feed. Bring a friend and a tote bag.
Details →
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That’s the pot for this week, sis. Take what you need, leave what you don’t, and let the rest cook a little longer.
There’s always another pot on the stove.
In love and light, Brandi
Life’s Gumbo is where I make meaning from the stories we inherit, the systems we navigate, and the everyday moments that quietly shape who we become. If this one resonated, forward it to a sister who’s been carrying too much.
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